Saturday, 3 January 2009

2009.

I had a lot of expectations and excitement for this break. I was excited to be home and see my cats and sit by the fire and shop with my mom and see people I missed. Instead, I feel like I've been grounded for 4 weeks. I've spent more time crying this break than in the 3 months before them. I've been feeling... heavy. Listless. Alone.

Everything culminated in my shitty New Year's Eve.

Last year, I went to my first New Year's Eve party and this year I was eager to recreate the experience. I was sad to leave my friends at King's where we hang out all the time, and my consolation was that I would still have fun with my King's friends from Ottawa. My break was to be a balance of family time and friend time. Only, I sat at home. And sat. And it was ok because I had New Year's Eve plans with my girls, my best friends. Only, apparently I didn't. I was angry, but now I'm just sad. I spent my New Year's Eve sitting on my couch, upset, alone and waiting for a call. All dressed up with nowhere to go. I had new clothes.

Eight turned into ten. Ten turned into eleven fifteen. I gave up and started crying. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, slowly, then faster, and then I was yelling and crying. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year.

It's not just being alone. At a certain point in week three, I suggested to myself, 'Why don't I call someone up?'. I am in it so deep, I couldn't do it. If I knew how to give up, I would. Just to feel like I'm not fighting anymore.

To everyone I didn't see, I'm sorry. I really wanted to. Want to. I wish I had. I just feel sorry.

Here's to 2009.

3 comments:

Magpie said...

Amen.

raino said...

hey. i hope you'll be feeling better soon. i felt many of the same ways that you did this year. i just didn't feel good.

Ella said...

Honey.

That's the only thing I could think of to say.