Sunday, 15 February 2009

This has been the week of conversation I didn’t want to have.

I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, getting conversations I don’t want to have over with is good, and the air is cleared. I get into a rhythm. Approach, say “I was hoping we could chat”, sit down, squirm slightly, talk. Repeat. Having the method down helps. The feeling like you’ve bee kicked in the gut part doesn’t help. It doesn’t really matter what the conversation is about or how it turns out, the kicked-in-the-gut feeling is a constant.

This brings me to the down side. Many days of the kicked-in-the-gut feeling in a row are not exactly a fun time. The stress over and over. Getting more time in between to breathe would be really nice. Stop, recover, move on and eventually the next one comes up. Hopefully at the point I’d be starting a square one with full emotional energy instead of square “Fuck. Not again”.

Today has saved the weekend. I woke up in a shit mood, but ignored it and pounded out my essay. By 4:50, my essay and dress rehearsals were over. That feels good.

You know what else feels good? Valentine's Day is over.

I feel like I've just let out a breath I was holding. Around Valentine's Day I always seem to be affected by the all the pressure. I feel like screaming "NO! No Hallmark, I am not In A Relationship. I have friends and family and good times and I AM FINE. LEAVE ME ALONE."

I feel like screaming that, but at the same time I feel a little discouraged. Every Valentine's Day single makes me look around at all the couples that have suddenly pasted red neon signs to their foreheads and think "What's wrong with me?". When really, there isn't anything wrong with me (she said without really absorbing it). I am a pretty cool person, what's wrong with me? Or what's wrong with everyone else? Why am I worrying about this??

I hate Valentine's Day. I'm glad it's over and I can go back to my normal level of anxiety.


Ella said...

See, being at King's is the first time I have felt surrounded by singleness.

I like Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate your friends.

raino said...

i can understand why a single person would HATE v-day, infact a girl that i word with said this last week. and i hadn't really ever thought about it. it's kinda like mothers day when you have no mom or are not one yourself.