I feel a little bit stuck out of place.
Let me be specific. In terms of the exterior I try to craft for the world, I would say I'm an outgoing, confident, bold person. I think a lot of people would use those words to describe me -- people who aren't my closest friends. Obviously, etre vs paraitre, the outside and inside are different. When I'm around my peers, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Every now and then, I look around, and ask myself "Who are these people? How am I connected with them?". It's very strange. I guess. this sounds like I place myself above them, but it's not about that. It's just this strange... otherness. Separation. It makes me uncomfortable.
For some reason this discomfort doesn't exist when I'm in a group of people older than I am. It just isn't there. This year, one of my closest friends is Saf, a fourth-year student, and when I hang out with her, I don't feel any difference. I feel like we're equal. I feel comfortable.
Now, this could be an isolated case. But I also feel comfortable around people even older than that. It happens other places, my parents' parties and offices; I hang out with the people who work there and we joke and laugh and that's comfortable too.
Back at King's, I tend to gravitate toward the upper-years. I have wonderful friends in first year, and I like many of the first years a great deal, but I can't help but feel like I stick out with I'm with them. Stepping into a conversation with three of my upper-year friends is like coming up for air. No more panic.
Maybe it's a superiority thing, but I really don't think it is. It's not about hierarchy or power.
I think it's a lack of confidence thing. My peers and I are supposed to be on equal footing, so I stress out. I don't know where I stand. At least with the upper year students, I know that the somewhere where I stand, "below" them. I can relax. No stress, no confusion. I don't stick out, because I have a spot. The first year spot. Perfect.
That seems a bit like a cop-out too, because sometimes I feel more on equal ground with them. I find it easier to just go with the flow.
Maybe it's the rat race of first year that I just want to get out of. Maybe next year will be different. Probably it won't be -- and next year I won't have my Saf!