Wednesday, 11 February 2009

I feel a little bit stuck out of place.

Let me be specific. In terms of the exterior I try to craft for the world, I would say I'm an outgoing, confident, bold person. I think a lot of people would use those words to describe me -- people who aren't my closest friends. Obviously, etre vs paraitre, the outside and inside are different. When I'm around my peers, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Every now and then, I look around, and ask myself "Who are these people? How am I connected with them?". It's very strange. I guess. this sounds like I place myself above them, but it's not about that. It's just this strange... otherness. Separation. It makes me uncomfortable.

For some reason this discomfort doesn't exist when I'm in a group of people older than I am. It just isn't there. This year, one of my closest friends is Saf, a fourth-year student, and when I hang out with her, I don't feel any difference. I feel like we're equal. I feel comfortable.

Now, this could be an isolated case. But I also feel comfortable around people even older than that. It happens other places, my parents' parties and offices; I hang out with the people who work there and we joke and laugh and that's comfortable too.

Back at King's, I tend to gravitate toward the upper-years. I have wonderful friends in first year, and I like many of the first years a great deal, but I can't help but feel like I stick out with I'm with them. Stepping into a conversation with three of my upper-year friends is like coming up for air. No more panic.

Maybe it's a superiority thing, but I really don't think it is. It's not about hierarchy or power.
I think it's a lack of confidence thing. My peers and I are supposed to be on equal footing, so I stress out. I don't know where I stand. At least with the upper year students, I know that the somewhere where I stand, "below" them. I can relax. No stress, no confusion. I don't stick out, because I have a spot. The first year spot. Perfect.

That seems a bit like a cop-out too, because sometimes I feel more on equal ground with them. I find it easier to just go with the flow.

Maybe it's the rat race of first year that I just want to get out of. Maybe next year will be different. Probably it won't be -- and next year I won't have my Saf!


Saf said...

This post made me cry. In real life. Thanks a lot. Jerk. But not actually.

I'm going to miss you next year! You are just great and awesome. Love! And Hugs!

Also, I just noticed that I was on your "For your reading pleasure" list... I feel so validated.

I can't believe your blog post just made me cry. I blame the fact that I'm working an overnight.

This is the longest comment ever and it is more like a post in itself.

raino said...

saf may not be there physically but in other ways. she sounds like a great friend.

Ella said...

Hey! I'm on your blogroll too! Yay!

But, what I really came here to say was: I don't think it has anything to do with where one stands in relation to their peers and/or friends. It just has to do with the fact that you are lucky enough that your friendships are about real connections, not proximity. I went through most of my life being primarily friends with people older than me, with a few people my age. But it never felt imbalanced at all, although I wondered how they felt. Now, though, I am on the other side of it for the first time, where I am somewhat older than a bunch of my friends, and I have to say, it feels exactly the same. It is about connecting and having fun and appreciating one another's energy and humour and so on.

So yeah.

Woo. Friends.

La Canadienne said...

Woo friends indeed.
+ *hug* to all.

Saf: It's ok, we're going to India :)